Steven Universe Review: "Marble Madness" (Season 1B, Episode 18)

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This is the fight that goes on forever Because it never, ever ends!

"They just keep coming and coming!" - Pearl, as the Crystal Gems beat up the marble pictured above.

Airdate: March 5th, 2015

Written By: Joe Johnston and Jeff Liu

Plot: Steven has to balance two things going on in his life at one moment. The first, is a new book series that Connie introduces him to, The Spirit Morph Saga. He winds up being fantastically wrong when it comes to book order. The second, a series of Robonoids are crashing into the Earth. The Gems defeat them, relax, and fight another one. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Review:

Steven Universe is loved for many reasons. Some cite the animation, which is unrivaled at it's best. Some cite the voice acting - making every single character seem even more real than before. Some cite the show's liberal values, which have probably caused a couple of fans to ship copies of the few SU DVDs to Mar-A-Lago with rants scrawled on the box. (If anybody actually did so, those discs are probably Diet Coke coasters right now.) Some (such as myself) cite the characters - with one or two exceptions, they are all so vibrant, so sympathetic, and so full of life. And, lastly, some cite the second layer that every good piece of literature/film/TV has... a plot.

"Marble Madness" shows Steven Universe return to its plot - one of political separation, of attempts to get old territory back, and the march of history. Still, this plot is driven by its characters - in this episode, the titular one.

Steven Universe Review: "Future Vision" (Season 1B, Episode 13)

NO! NO, NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAHHHH!!!!

"You could just be going on about your business, eating your fry bits, and then suddenly you choke to death!" - Garnet. Hey, dying eating fries ain't a clean way to go, but it could be worse. Far worse.

Airdate: January 29th, 2015
Written By: Lamar Abrams and Hellen Jo
Plot: After saving Steven from an object on the stairs, Garnet informs the kid about her "future vision" - one that allows her to see the paths that the world can take. At first, Steven uses Garnet's power to decipher what path his life will take. Unfortunately, Garnet also notes that he can see possibilities for a more permanent end for our little Stew-ball. Kid goes paranoid, and even contemplates suicide just to fulfill Garnet's predictions.

This airs on a network aimed towards children. Just putting it out there.

Review:

Should we have access to what could happen in the future? Can we change the concepts of causality, or does our knowledge of the future only damn us to it with an increased sense of fear? These concepts have been explored in various science fiction shows and books. Hell, it actually provided the plot of Red Dwarf's second episode - "Future Echoes". In that episode, the Red Dwarf crew (or what's now left of it) experience the titular phenomenon - events in the future that are seen in the present. Lister slowly becomes paranoid after seeing a vision of his death and tries to prevent the future, but when events shown in the echoes start occurring, he prepares himself for the end. (When all is said and done, the only thing that they find out is that Lister will wind up with twins - and that doesn't happen until series 2, thanks to Lister having a drunken one-night stand with a woman who happens to be himself. He has to have a caesarean. Yes. He.)

As you can tell, it's a very fun topic to send up - allowing for cool comedy and delicious drama. Steven Universe adds its own twist to the equation by having a character experience these future echoes all of the time.

Steven Universe Review: "Watermelon Steven" (Season 1B, Episode 8)

The Cat: Think of all the glorious, beautiful, wondrous things about having children.

Lister: Like?

Cat: Like when they grow up and leave home!

- Red Dwarf, "Parallel Universe". 

Airdate: November 20th, 2014

Written By: Lamar Abrams and Hellen Jo.

Plot: Steven and Greg spend one evening holding a watermelon seed spitting contest. Steven wins by a mile. The next morning, he wakes up surrounded by a bunch of humanoid watermelons. Stunned, he learns that Rose grew plants as a form of defense. Not seeing them move, he decides to sell them. It's only thanks to Onion's daily high misdemeanor that Steven realizes that they can move. And, indeed, anybody that wrongs Steven even slightly - even lays a finger on them - faces an ass kicking. And, no, the Crystal Gems are not spared.

Review:

I seriously can't believe I have to type these words out... Steven has sired an entire species of watermelons. By spitting out seeds.

Yes. Steven is effectively a father. And God. James Kirk and Benjamin Sisko, eat your heart out - Steven has usurped both of you. One can only laugh.

How the hell do I review this? "Watermelon Steven" has one of those "high concept" plots that should make for epic episodes. Hey, characters creating species gave us "Godfellas", often considered one of the most thought provoking and best Futurama episodes of all time. The last time I reviewed something that directly dealt with God, though, it had Kirk and his friends sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and Uhura fan-dancing, before they met a version of God that looked like an effect from The Wizard of Oz.

Not helping is that this episode was written by Lamar Abrams and Hellen Jo, who contributed to the relative mess that was "Fusion Cuisine". My expectations are lowered thus - if this episode turns out to be worse, I'll ask Paddy Ashdown how to best prepare a hat for consumption.

Steven Universe Review: "Garnet's Universe" (Season 1B, Episode 7)

"What did you do today?" "Tell me what you think I did." - Steven and Garnet, the latter painfully unaware of the story that she is about to hear.

Airdate: November 13th, 2014

Written By: Joe Johnston and Jeff Liu

Plot: As Garnet comes back from a mission, Steven inquires as to what she did with her time out. Garnet wonders what Steven thought she did.

Thus begins Garnet's Universe.

Warping into a goofy, cartoonish universe, Garnet meets her animal friends, Hopper (Deedee Mango-Hall) and Hoppy (Michaela Dietz). During the middle of training, the three are interrupted by a humanoid stranger, Ringo (Zach Steele), who wants revenge on the Foxman (Matthew Moy) for stealing his habitat protecting the Gem of Ultimate Power. After Garnet's first meeting with the Foxman proves less than exemplarily, she winds up training her way into higher power. However, Ringo has played a cruel trick on all of them.

Review:

Well, after the boring bit of awkwardness that was "Fusion Cuisine", I needed a bit of a cleanser to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Thankfully, we got one - and this time, we have an example of the show breaking the format while still feeling like a Steven Universe episode, and being a very good episode at that.

And, believe me. "Garnet's Universe" is, quite possibly, the single most unusual episode of the show. Which, considering what this show is about, says a lot.

Steven Universe Review: "Island Adventure" (Season 1B, Episode 4)

It could be worse. You could be trapped on a shuttle that crashed on an ice planet.

"I'm the warp master!" "That's nice, Steven." - Steven and Sadie, the latter starting to sound like she knows where her life is going, and ain't liking it.

Airdate: October 23rd, 2014

Written By: Raven Molisee and Paul Villeco

Plot: While bragging about his ability to warp to Lars and Sadie, Steven realizes that the two's relationship is down in the dumps... to say the very least. He suggests the trio go to the island that he and the Crystal Gems were on just before. Lars doesn't want to stay, but the Warp Pad goes missing, thus stranding them on the island. There, Lars's emotional defenses begin breaking down, leaving him vulnerable, and bringing him closer to Sadie.

Review (SPOILERS):

Last we left the tragic saga that was the relationship of Lars and Sadie, the former was breathing fire as a result of the latter's act of revenge. Said revenge was caused by Lars betraying Sadie's trust, after (apparently) they slept with each other. Yeah, those two get on like water and oil, and still work together. Get these two to Corrie already.

Personally, while not as interesting as the sci-fi antics of the Crystal Gems, I do like these two characters. They serve as Steven's connection to the human world that the other Gems have a tenuous grasp on. And as the Gem sphere of Steven's little life prepares to catch fire, the sparks are flying at the Big Donut.

Steven Universe Review: "Secret Team" (Season 1B, Episode 3)

Loudly shouting out "secret team" might do the exact opposite to your team, kid.

"We gotta come up with a name for our secret-keeping team. Something cool, like... a Secret Team." - Steven, showing this show's aversion to proper nouns for objects or places.

Airdate: October 16th, 2014

Written By: Hilary Florido and Katie Mitroff

Plot: Steven and Amethyst's exercise of "diving into puddles of water in the latter's room" sends them into Pearl's room. There, a series of bickering between the two gems causes a bubble (formed by Rose) full of broken gem shards to pop, letting loose a lot of limbs. Since the bubbles are stored in Garnet's room, the Gems fear death at the hands of Square Mom. Thus, the trio form an alliance - a "Secret Team", if you prefer, in order to get the gem shards back into a bubble.

Review:

Going from epic episodes to silly little quasi-vignettes appears to be par for the course for Steven Universe right now. We've had an episode about Steven lamenting the death of his mother followed by a kid who might not even be human trying to kill him over a toy, Connie and Steven taking down a robot followed by a beach party, and Steven's band trouble followed by a quartet of episodes that showed him learning that there was a lot of drama involving Gem culture. A lot of drama.

Here, after episodes focusing on Steven's father lamenting his lack of communication and Pearl's tragic desire to reach a utopia, we get... Steven forming alliances within the Crystal Gems over a popped bubble.

Epic, eh?

Steven Universe Review: "Monster Buddies" (Season 1A, Episode 23)

Looks like the Centipeetle literally has a rock. But can it inspire her? All we know is that it feels no pain.

Airdate: September 8th, 2014

Plot: Steven gets another pet! This time, it's a pet that tried to kill him.

Yeah, remember the first episode, where Steven tried to beat the Centipeetles with Cookie Cat Ice Cream? Well, this time, he winds up accidentally un-bubbling one of them - the mother, in fact - and letting them regenerate. Against Pearl's wishes, Garnet decides to let Steven domesticate her. That proves to be difficult, what with her spitting acid and all that. Oh, and it seems to have a hatred against the Crystal Gems.

Review: "Steven and the Stevens" explored Steven's role in the Crystal Gem dynamic by temporarily removing him from anybody but himself, and noting how they bounce off of each other on a comic level. Now, "Monster Buddies" shows him and the trio engage in something of a division within the ranks - one where the personalities clash on a dramatic level.

Steven Universe Review: "Joking Victim" (Season 1A, Episode 21)

"Sorry, the sign on the side of the store states that The Big Donut is not liable if you start breathing fire. Your lawsuit is thrown out."

Airdate: August 21st, 2014

Plot: Steven's attempts to chase down some fire salt fries (thanks, Amethyst) with soda lead to a mess at the Big Donut. Lars shirks his responsibilities via a "back injury", and Sadie gives him the day off. Steven, therefore, is appointed as a temporary Lars, and even manages to do a better job at the Big Donut. Still, Sadie can't just fire him - the two have something of a relationship.

To try and cheer Lars up, the two bring donuts to his house, only to catch him on the trampoline with the Cool Kids. A distraught Sadie reveals that this may not have been the first time this has happened, and vows revenge. Cue the fire salt donut. The consequences are really heated... as pictured above.

Review (SPOILERS): At first glance, this episode has such little a point as to it's existence, it's probably a sphere. However, a closer look does damage to that hypothesis. Yes, this episode is a "canon-light" one - an episode that does not have a whole lot of bearing in terms of major plot development. The episode isn't completely disposable, however - it fleshes out characters, and introduces a theme that will become a major one in season 2. In fact, dare I say, it's probably the most overlooked episode of the show's canon.

Steven Universe Review: "Rose's Room" (Season 1A, Episode 19)

Steven's gonna have a whale of a time with this room. I am the duke of bad puns.

Airdate: May 14th, 2014

Plot: It is a pretty bad night for Steven. First, the Gems can't go mini-golfing with him because they have a mission. Then, his attempts to play video games are interrupted with the trio's post-mission idiocy. Irritated, he wishes for things to go his way for once - a wish that opens up Rose's Room. In effect a holodeck, Rose's room can generate whatever Steven wishes for. Unfortunately, the effects can often be... dangerous.

Review: "Better Than Life" is my favorite episode of Red Dwarf. The episode features the trio's exploits in the titular Total Immersion Videogame. However, it winds up rooting itself in self-generated psychological terror on Rimmer's part, with his sweetest dreams turning into nightmares. He goes from being a respected, opulent real admiral to a married, bankrupt piece of ant chow, and he drags down the rest of the Red Dwarf gang with him. Needless to say, I died laughing... and brought more Red Dwarf episodes on iTunes.

Speaking of which, "Rose's Room". It takes a similar path. Except with less comedy. And very more emotional overtones (which, considering that the Red Dwarf episode involved Rimmer learning that his abusive father died before Arnie suffered radiation poisoning, is a rather hard feat.)

Steven Universe Review: "Steven The Sword Fighter" (Season 1A, Episode 16)

"My name is Pearl Montoya. You killed Garnet. Prepare to die!"

Airdate: April 9th, 2014

Synopsis: A rainy movie night at the Beach House leads Pearl to mock the movie of choice, Lonely Blade IV. She lambasts the sword-fighting, in particular. One mention of this later, and the Gems go to a cloud temple, where Pearl shows Steven fencing tendencies. The simulation features a Hologram version of Pearl, who loses the first time. Pearl's attempts to hammer in to Steven that these are non-movie sword-fighting techniques, though, leave her distracted. This leads to a bit of a slip-up in the simulation.

Whoops.

Thankfully, it's only a flesh wound, in a sense. Pearl has to stay in her gem for some time, though, so Steven tries to make do with Holo-Pearl. This seems unwise, however.

Review (SPOILERS): Remember in "So Many Birthdays", when the Crystal Gems watched Steven almost age to death because he was emotionally disturbed by his aging and humanity? Well, here, the tables are turned, as Steven gets to watch his adoptive mother get impaled by a copy of herself. And, while that episode shifted it's tone halfway through that episode, this one stabs it within the span of three and a half minutes. Impressive. (Yes, I am aware that I am going to Hell for that pun.)

As a whole, though, how does this episode stand up?

Steven Universe Review: "Lars and the Cool Kids" (Season 1A, Episode 14)

There's probably some form of symbolism in this image... or maybe I'm just seeing things.

Airdate: March 10th, 2014

Synopsis: Steven's quest for lunch lands him against Lars's continued attempts to come off as cool, and thus, get involved with the "Cool Kids" - Sour Cream, Buck Dewey, and Jenny. Hilariously enough, Steven manages to talk to them, and convince them to bring along the kid and Lars. They take a trip up to "Dead Man's Mouth", a lake that contains a lot of moss... moss that was grown and treated by Rose. It's also moss that will overtake whatever it touches in a matter of seconds.

Review (SPOILERS): Before we begin, I should mention that "Lars and the Cool Kids", if my memory serves me correctly, was among the first episodes of Steven Universe I recall watching. (I think I may have seen "Gem Glow" and "Laser Light Cannon" before, though.) I don't recall watching the episodes first run until StevenBomb 3 ("Cry for Help", to be more specific), and I don't remember when I saw this episode, but, hey, this was an interesting intro to the show.

One of the first characters introduced in the Steven Universe canon (if the pilot is discounted), Lars set the stage as a direct contrast to Steven. Cynical, insensitive, snarky, and brash, Lars is the closest thing the show had to a reoccurring antagonist in Season 1A - the "sitcom" days, when Steven rolled around in a bubble with the new kid in town, when he became a pro-wrestler, when his attempts to be a birthday clown almost killed him.

Where was I? Oh, yes - Lars. The show's shift to more dramatic themes put him out of the picture, to an extent. However, he does get to shine in "Lars and the Cool Kids", an episode that shows him and some cool kids interact with the fantastical world of the Crystal Gems.

Steven Universe Review: "So Many Birthdays" (Season 1A, Episode 13)

Worth noting - not as much hilarity ensues in this episode as this screenshot would imply.

Airdate: March 3rd, 2014

Synopsis: Steven finds out that the Gems are many millennia old. Much to his dismay, he also finds out that they don't really celebrate birthdays. Steven attempts to make up for lost time by celebrating the trio's "birthdays". However, they don't necessarily enjoy the festivities, dismissing them as childish. Stunned, he begins questioning his own maturity, and begins aging. Really aging.

Review: So, you're an executive at a network dedicated to cartoons. You pick up this show about a pre-teen boy living with space aliens. Lighthearted, right? Costs you a mint, but the person sending it in has a good track record. (Just make up the dough by selling ad time on a cheap-o flash cartoon.)* The thirteenth script your network censor gets has the pre-teen boy aging rapidly and coming close to death, his own morality put into focus compared to the rest of the cast, and his parental substitutes breaking down as he inches to the abyss.

Lighthearted, right?

Yeah, this is probably the first episode to suggest that Steven Universe might be less 3rd Rock From The Sun and more Babylon 5. It's an episode with a rather jarring tonal shift, although even the lighter moments have something of a sober atmosphere, what with our pre-teen protagonist struggling with his humanity and age.

Steven Universe Review: "Steven's Lion" (Season 1A, Episode 10)

"Today, Optimum sent a lion to repair my cable. While it didn't improve too much, I did see their Raining Tacos commercial. Four stars. Would recommend." 

Airdate: January 27th, 2014

Synopsis: While looking for a structure-generating Gem in the desert, Steven comes across a magical pink lion. Said lion doesn't eat the kid - rather, the lion follows Steven and the Gems back to the Temple. There, Steven attempts to domesticate said lion like a dog... to less success. However, said lion might have ulterior motives for following Steven to the temple.

Review (SPOILERS): So... Steven gets a pet. Under different circumstances, getting a magical pet would be a sign that your show needs to have a bullet placed in it. However, we're only in the 10th episode, so the conclusion can either be A) fastest shark-jump ever, or 2) quirky world-building. A closer analysis of this episode (ok, even a cursory analysis) would suggest (ok, confirm) that it's the latter.

Steven Universe Review: "Tiger Millionaire" (Season 1A, Episode 9)

Still a better ad method than spoiling the results of your competitor's matches.

Airdate: January 20th, 2014

Synopsis: Amethyst messes up a mission by punching the monster of the week, getting gunk all over Steven and earning her Pearl and Garnet's scorn. The night after, Steven manages to track Amethyst down to an old warehouse, where a wrestling league is held. There, she moonlights as the Purple Puma - a ruthless wrestler that's shooting up the ranks. Steven becomes struck by the aura of the whole thing, and becomes her assistant as "Tiger Millionaire" - a ruthless venture capitalist from the jungle.

Review: Full disclosure - I'm not really a professional wrestling fan. Don't hate it, don't really follow it. Most of the info and jokes about wrestling here, I got from brief skims from the TVTropes and Wikipedia pages. All I know is that WWE Smackdown airs on SyFy - by far, the most insane and idiotic programming move that doesn't involve scheduling Dilbert after Shasta McNasty. (Nice job, UPN.)

So, this episode... in an actual sci-fi show. Easily among my favorite episodes from the front end of the first season.

Steven Universe Review: "Serious Steven" (Season 1A, Episode 8)

Who designed this? Who? Who?

Airdate: January 13th, 2014

Synopsis: A massive accident at Funland (the amusement park where Steven and Connie almost got flattened by a roller coaster) weighs heavily on Steven, as two weeks later, they go to the Strawberry Fields, which used to be a battle site for the Gems. Characterized as Steven's first "serious" mission, Steven tries to prove himself worthy to Garnet. This can only end badly, especially when a pyramid that they walk in flips over, thanks to Steven.

Review: Fans who started watching new episodes in Season 2 (y'know, half of the fandom, up to and including myself) might be a bit put off when they first see this episode. You see, we're still in the part of the show where Steven is more like that kid that the Gems happen to have on their backs. With the gems treating this as his "first serious mission", Steven has a hell of a lot of weight on his shoulders.

Most impressively, he's hanging out with Garnet this time. A tall order for the ten-year old, indeed.

Steven Universe Review: "Bubble Buddies" (Season 1A, Episode 7)

(Note 25/11/15: Review edited because, in hindsight, the review I originally posted had a few errors in logic. Sorry.)

Steven and Connie roll on Dunkin.

Airdate: December 2, 2013

Synopsis: Steven's attempts to talk to a bespectacled bookish girl sitting on the beach (not his first attempt, apparently) result in him saving her life from a boulder... but also causes the two to become trapped in a bubble of Steven's own making. Any and all attempts to free them fail. Hilariously. And by hilariously, I mean they almost drown.

Review (SPOILERS): BUBBLES! Uh, I mean GEEKS! Uh, I mean GEEKS IN BUBBLES!

Uh, I mean, one of the biggest cliches in sci-fi history (if not TV history) has got to be the "first episode love interest". If I may be able to describe it, it revolves around two protagonists (often of the opposite sex) who both appear in the first episode. It's assumed from that moment on that the ship involving the two is to set sail and reach it's destination.

In that case, Steven Universe certainly subverts that cliche a bit off the bat by waiting for episode seven to introduce a probable love interest for Steven... and then subverts it even further by having the two actually communicate right off the bat, rather than just have a series of awkward stumbling conversations.

The end result is what I consider to be the closest thing to a "sublime" episode of Steven Universe so far.

Steven Universe Review: "Frybo" (Season 1A, Episode 5)

This is one of the reasons why I don't trust fast food mascots. Except for Jack Box. He is awesome personified.

Airdate: November 18th, 2013

Synopsis: After rescuing his jeans from the negative effects of a Gem Shard - used to animate articles of clothing, amongst other inanimate objects. - Steven goes into town. There, he meets up with Peedee Fryman, a disillusioned fast food mascot man working for his father's fry business. Feeling sympathy for Fryman Jr, he takes the gem shard and animates the costume. Unfortunately, the effects don't include "sell more fries" as much as it does "attack the patrons."

Review: Over the past four episodes, Steven has established himself as one of the most idealistic characters to ever make his mark on TV. He's warm, affable, and does things such as make breakfast for his guardians/roommates/whatever-they-are-at-this-point. Satisfied with his lot in life, his largest desire (so far, at least) is that he wants to be more involved with the Crystal Gems and their various adventures. His largest flaws, thus far, are his naiveté and inexperience. His idealism would make him fit right in amongst, say, the Bartlet administration.

So, just to emphasize how optimistic he is, let's pair him up with Peedee Fryman, a character so nihilistic, he gives the Underwood administration a run for it's money. Oh, and also, have Steven's idealistic viewpoint deconstructed to the point where his actions help damage a small business.

Steven Universe Review: "Laser Light Cannon" (Season 1A, Episode 2)

Oh, no - it's the maker of rules. Dealing with fools, it'll cheat you blind!

Airdate: November 4th, 2013

Synopsis: Short answer: the core four realize that Clear Eyes can't cure Red Eye all the time.

Long answer - a red eye from space is gunning for Beach City. Attempts to destroy it (including throwing Amethyst at it) have failed. There is an option - a light cannon, used by Rose... Steven's sorta-dead-ish mother. Still, there is more hope - the cannon could be in Greg's storage unit... his crowded storage unit... which stores the stuff that doesn't fit in Greg's van, where he lives.

Review (SPOILERS): If "Gem Glow" established the relationship between the core four characters and established the start of Steven's "coming-of-age" arc, then "Laser Light Cannon" takes a first look at the past for the main characters... or at least, one of them.