Red Dwarf Reviews: Series III Wrap Up.

With Red Dwarf Series III out of the way, I might as well reveal that this is my favourite series to watch.

Granted, this is not the series of the highest quality (Series V was better by a thin margin), but this series is still brilliant from one end to the other.

This series managed to redefine what Red Dwarf was. The slow pacing and sitcom-y format of the first two series is diminished in this series. It feels more like a science-fiction show, albeit with every cliche played for laughs or criticised.

And yet, the character development given to each of the characters is brilliant. This is the first series to reveal that Lister was orphaned at a young age, that Rimmer's mother was just as off-calibre as his dad, that Kryten is a complete and utter suck-up, that the Cat can fly Starbug, and so much more!

The plots get a lot more interesting compared to series I and II. Backwards, much like it's episodic predecessor, "Parallel Universe", analyses the concept of dimensions, except time travel is involved. It's sort of like a reverse parallel universe. "Marooned" does a BRILLIANT job at the "bottle episode" cliche, with humour and tearjerkerness all around. "Polymorph" is a brilliant send-up of Alien, with every character bouncing off each other once affected by the polymorph. "Bodyswap" just shows how the writers can make you feel bad for Rimmer one episode, and make you want to kick him the next. "Timeslides" is another interesting take into time travel, with something as common as a darkroom (more common at the time of the episode's airtime) being used as a life-changing device. And "The Last Day" takes a brilliant look at religion and devotion to beliefs, offending none but sparing nobody.

If there was a defining flaw in this series, it was mainly that Holly was reduced to more of a gag character, in favour of Kryten. Kryten comes into his own within a few episodes, but Holly is still hilarious. (And to answer the question, I have no preference over which Holly is better). Other flaws include screwy logic in the episodes, but then again, Red Dwarf tends to skim the MST3K Mantra.

Overall, a brilliant series that was a sign of things to come.

Score: 8.75

Red Dwarf Reviews, Series III, Episode 6: "The Last Day".

Airdate: 19 December, 1989

Some say that he's gone insane looking for his predecessor, and that he has no desire to watch Top Gear. All we know is, HE'S CALLED HUDZEN 10!

Synopsis (Spoilers): Lister receives a post pod from Kryten's manufacturers, informing him that Kryten's built in expiry date is almost here and that Kryten will undergo shutdown within 24 hours. Lister is stunned, but Kryten takes the news well. Kryten declares that, because he has lived a life free of vices and lived in servitude, he is going up to Silicon Heaven. Lister not only does not believe in a Silicon Heaven (although Rimmer tells him to respect Kryten's beliefs), but Lister is angry over the fact that Kryten is being turned off just to sell more models. Lister decides to throw Kryten a party that he will never forget, and the gang share very weird secrets.

The next morning, Kryten comes to, and realises that he can not turn himself off. However, he also learns that the new model, Hudzen 10, is on his way, and that if Kryten does not activate his own turn-off disc, Hudzen must terminate Kryten. The Boys from the Dwarf decide to gang up against Hudzen, who has gone crazy looking for Kryten. Kryten manages to defeat Hudzen using a lie involving Silicon Heaven.

Review: This episode is actually my third favourite from the third series (beaten out by the hysterical "Polymorph" and the tear jerking "Marooned"). This is a TV episode that manages to combine social commentary alongside wonderful humour. (I'll get to another TV episode that does NOT do social commentary well later). Silicon Heaven and it's criticism by Lister could be considered a bit of jab at the religious, but through it all, Kryten retains his faith in Silicon Heaven. Indeed, the message comes off as "believe whatever you want, as long as it does not result in your death", or "you don't have to be a fundamentalist to have faith, and cutting loose is not a bad thing". Keep in mind, Red Dwarf criticises the entirety of humanity, and it criticises the behaviours of all sorts of humans, so being somewhat offended once is ordinary for the viewer.

This episode also excels in Character Development. We learn that Lister never knew his mother, and that he was orphaned. We learn that Rimmer's mother, described a mere three episodes prior as "very prim, very proper, almost austere", actually had affairs. This episode also shows an integral part of Kryten's persona, and why he is the only character to (barring his series II debut) not want to anger Rimmer. (Although, this does lead to my one complaint about the episode: if Kryten rebelled against Rimmer in "Kryten", isn't he already damned by his standards for rebellion against humans?")

And the episode is just hysterical. Rimmer revealing his first kiss? Hysterical. Hell, the entire party is brilliant. Oh, and Rimmer's view on Kryten's 24 hour notice? "That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'Mind that bus.' 'What Bus?' Splat."

Overall, a wonderful note to end the game-changing series III on.

Favourite Scene: The party. Every part of it is hysterical.

Score: 9

Red Dwarf Review, Series III, Episode 5: "Timeslides"

Airdate: 12 December 1989

Synopsis: Kryten realises that the development fluid on Red Dwarf can bring pictures to life, and can cause the crew to walk in the images. After changing the events of an attempted assassination of Hitler, Lister realises that they have a time machine, and decides to change events to prevent himself from going on Red Dwarf. Using the Tension Sheet invented by Rimmer's old classmate (Fred "Thicky" Holden), Lister goes back to an old concert that occurred when he was in a band, Smeg and the Heads. Lister manages to change events to convince young Lister to invent the Tension Sheet.

However, due to Lister not entering Red Dwarf, the Cat was not brought aboard, and Kryten was never rescued. Therefore, Rimmer is all alone with Holly. Holly finds a TV special on Lister's new life as an uber-rich rockstar and inventor. (To clarify, he moved his HOUSE to get away from the neighbours, brought Buckingham Palace and had it ground down to line his drive, and brought three million copies of his song to send it to number 1.) Rimmer wants none of it, because, well, he's a smeghead. Rimmer tries to bring Lister back, but fails to do so. Therefore, he goes back to try and get his younger self to invent the tension sheet while in boarding school. Not spoiling what happens here, but you can all take a lucky guess.

Review: I have to say, this is the weakest episode of the entire season. Still a good episode, but some things just don't line up. How come in one scene, Rimmer can't move outside the confines of the photograph, yet in another scene, Rimmer suddenly pops up outside of the photographic barriers (although another photograph may have been used off screen). Also, how does Rimmer still remain a hologram when Lister doesn't join Red Dwarf? Remember, Rimmer was brought back specifically to keep Lister company.

However, ignore those complaints (easy: rule of funny), and you have a fun episode. The scene with "Sham Glam" Lister is hysterical. The episode contains many funny scenes (such as Lister going back in time to Hitler's assassination attempt). This episode also reveals that Lister can and IS sick of being trapped on a spaceship three million years in the future, which is some good character development. Plus, Rimmer's jerkass behaviour in this episode is hilariously cruel.

Favourite Scene: A few. I actually can't choose, so I'll list them.

• First off, Rimmer learns about the circumstances of Listers Tension-Sheet Timelime death. He died aged 98 in a plane crash. Why a plane crash? He was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane. Rimmer asks for photos of Lister's new timeline. Thinking that Rimmer is talking about the plane crash, Holly gives a "What the Smeg" look.
• Second off, Lister's song. Simply put, "Om". It's quite creative, actually. The fact that, in an alternate timeline, Lister made it so "Om" went to the top of the charts is also hilarious.
• Last, but not least, Rimmer explains why he is going to rescue Lister from wealth and fame. "It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!"

Not-So-Fun Fact: Graham Chapman, from Monty Python, was originally selected to play the TV host Blaize from the scene featuring the Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous. However, he died before filming began. (To add more irony, he died on the 20th anniversary of Python). Ruby Wax, a comedienne and the wife of Red Dwarf director Ed Bye, played Blaize instead.

Score: 7.5

Red Dwarf Review, Series III, Episode 4: "Bodyswap"

Airdate: 5 December 1989

Lister's uniform on Chris Barrie's body. The fans went crazy.

Synopsis: A series of events involving a rogue skutter and Lister's desire for food leads to Lister accidentally triggering self destruct via a vending machine. Only a senior officer can deactivate the self-destruct, and all of them are dead (Holly failed to update her database). Kryten recommends a mind-swap with a senior officer, so that the computer can recognise his/her voice. Ultimately, the self-destruct turns out to be a ruse, but it gives Rimmer an idea. Under the pretence of getting Lister back in shape, the two propose (and undergo) a bodyswap. However, Rimmer abuses Lister's body by drinking, eating, and smoking beyond belief. The end result is that Lister puts on quite a bit of weight. Lister quickly gets fed up with it and forces Rimmer (who trashed Lister's body even further) to change back.

However, Rimmer, already in heaven with the food that has been eaten, is not willing to give up so easily. In the middle of the night, Rimmer steals Lister's body and takes off on Starbug, with a ton of junk food in tow, "promising" to be back in a month... maybe six weeks. Rimmer also declares that if Lister gains ground, Rimmer will commit "suicide". The chase ends when Lister and Co. back off in a desolate planet, distracting Rimmer (via his gloating) and causing him to crash. Rimmer and Lister switch back again, with Lister banged up and forced on a diet. Rimmer then kidnaps the Cat's body to try and get THAT body in shape (read, binge out).

Review: In my last post, "Top 5 Lowest Arnold Rimmer Moments", hijacking Lister's body ranked in at #2 (only getting beaten out by Rimmer's final interaction with his brother in "Trojan"). It deserves it. In fact, after closer analysis, I could make a good argument that this should have been the #1 moment of jerkassery. Rimmer at least was bullied by his brothers, which could explain why he was a jerkass to Howard at the end of "Trojan", although it FAR from mitigates his jerkassery in that episode. Here, Rimmer acts like a slimeball to Lister, who has been relatively civil to Rimmer for the past two series. One could argue that is was revenge for Lister destroying Rimmer's chest and indirectly burning his wooden soldiers in "Marooned", but Lister felt bad for those events happening. Rimmer feels no remorse for a single action in this episode. At all.

On one hand, you feel for Rimmer. The poor smeghead has not eaten nor touched in years, so you expect him to go on a binge once he gets a body. However, once Rimmer steals Lister's body and puts the gun to Lister's head, all sympathy for him goes out the window. In fact, in that moment, Rimmer manages to switch firmly from Anti-Hero to villain. He actually manages to rival Bender from Futurama in terms of selfish insanity.

Hell, when the Cat (read, the character that DEFINES vanity) considers this deranged, you know your character is damn near low. Speaking of The Cat, his character (starting with "Backwards", but I forgot to mention that there) starts to develop somewhat, with him gaining a friendship with Lister, and being a damn good Starbug pilot.

Rimmer also receives no repercussions for being a slime ball. Instead, Lister is put on a minuscule diet, and is forced to deal with his injuries.

Otherwise, this seems like an open-and-shut review. The episode is, for the most part, quite funny, and overall, pretty enjoyable. It's not the best of the season. One could argue why a mind swap could give people different voices, but I argue that it is not important, and it is still fun to see Chris Barrie and Craig Charles doing actions that normally the other would do.

Oh, and fun maths fact. Rimmer apparently made Lister gain "two stone" in about a week. For those that have no knowledge of British weight slang, that is about 28 pounds, or 12.7 Kilos. That's... impressively bad.

The episode is not the most memorable of the series (much like "Timeslides"), but still, with Red Dwarf III being as good as it is, it's still good enough for an 8, a great score.

Favourite Scene: Holly comes up with three solutions to self destruct accidentally being launched. They are...

1. Sit there and get blown up;
2. Stand there and get blown up, and;
3. Jump up and down, shout at her for not thinking of anything, then get blown up.

Rating: 8. 

Not Another Top (X) List!: Top 5 Lowest Arnold Rimmer Moments.

I'm too uncreative to make a "Top X List" image, so I just stole one from "SNL/Wayne's World"

 For the first time in this blog, I have a top X List. I call it "Not Another Top X List" for the following reasons. "Not Another" is in because, let's face it, damn near every other internet reviewer and blog has had a list of their top 10s/5s/whatevers. The letter X is in because the variable could be different for every list. And the word List is in here for obvious reasons.

With the premiere of the first list, I may as well make the first one about the same show that provided my very first review post.

If you play your cards right, then he might just come home for dinner.

Ah, Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer. Rimsy. Arnie J. Old Iron Balls. The Smeghead. No matter what nickname you call him, he is quite possibly, the most beloved character in the history of Red Dwarf. A part of this is due to the writers (primarily the team of Grant/Naylor) making him out to be so sympathetic. His life has been constant failure after constant failure, and it makes you want to hug the man. That is, if he was real, and if he was not a hologram who has been dead for 3 million years.

However, the writers also like to emphasise that fact that, no matter what, Rimmer will always be a selfish, callous, pompous, arrogant, moronic smeghead. This is the same character that managed to ruin everybody's fun by being all of those things that I have listed. Therefore, this list is dedicated to the moments that made you realise that Rimmer was a complete git.

Not that this is a bad thing, of course. In fact, these moments make him more of a well-written character, rounds him out, and makes the character hysterical. But still, if you were in the company of this man, you would want to punch him in the face... or terminate his hologram.

Red Dwarf Review, Series III, Episode 3: "Polymorph"

Airdate: 28 November 1989

Synopsis (Spoilers): A shapeshifting alien lands on Red Dwarf, with the ability to change into anything to, to quote Kryten, "suit it's terrain and deceive it's enemies." This polymorph, however, sucks out negative emotions. Why? Also quoting Kryten, "IT'S INSANE!"

It's another normal day on the ship. Lister is making food with medical utensils, and Kryten accidentally insults Rimmer's "primp, proper, almost austere" mother. The day is altered when the Polymorph, initially disguised as a sausage, attacks Lister, turns into various objects, culminating into a 12-foot monster, and manages to suck out Lister's fear.

With Lister all too willing to take on the Polymorph, the others decide to attack the monster and flee the ship. The Cat, fleeing from heat-seeking missiles (which are trapped in another room), has his vanity sucked out by the Polymorph disguised as an ego-stroking female. Kryten's guilt is sucked out by the Polymorph disguised as Rimmer. Rimmer's anger is sucked out when the alien is disguised as his mother, who proceeded to sleep with Lister and brag about it to Rimmer.

The malformed Red Dwarf crew hold a meeting to try and go against the Polymorph.

• Rimmer suggests attacking the Polymorph with a major leaflet campaign and various fundraisers.
• Lister suggests taking on the Polymorph, with consequences that include his death.
• The Cat, reduced to a bum and without a lick of fashion, does not care, calling all the ideas good, while he says that he is a big fat nobody.
• Kryten wants the idea to include everybody else dying.

The crew take down the Polymorph in the cargo bays (thanks to the heat seeking missiles fired earlier), and the crew are returned to normal.

Review: How this episode got past the censors is beyond me. This episode had the infamous "shrinking boxers" scene which caused the studio audience to laugh so much, Chris Barrie had to wait 10 minutes to deliver his line. Take THAT, Sammy Davis Jr. kissing Archie Bunker. Another scene that made this episode raunchier then normal was the scene where an anger-free Rimmer suggests various names for their organisation, and one acronym is a bit... weird. (Rimmer even says the acronym. I'll just say that the word would never get past censors in at LEAST America or Canada today.) To a lesser extent, there is Rimmer's "mother" who brags about her quick tryst with Lister. She briefly mentions "alphabetti spaghetti".

That does not mean that the episode is bad at all. Rather, this episode is one of the best in the show for a reason. It is just hysterical. The Polymorph as a villain is well developed, especially for a one-shot villain. The character is also the first alien-esque character in the show. To avert the cliche of aliens, Grant Naylor used the term GELF, with Holly even calling it "man made".

The episode also shows why Red Dwarf mostly (but not always) can get away with cop outs and stupid decisions that other shows can't get away with. In Red Dwarf, we expect nothing from this crew. The bar is so low, that we expect them to flee, and take the easiest way out possible. The decisions they make fit in brilliantly with their characters. We know Rimmer's character, and his first instinct is to abandon the situation, a complete contradiction to his desire to lead.

I do wish that they had taken on Rimmer's ego, but that can be mostly excused, as they took on the Cat's vanity. Other then that, this episode is brilliant.

Favourite Scene: Do I have to choose? The meeting scene is probably the best of the long, long list.

Score: 9.5

Red Dwarf Review, Series III, Episode 2: "Marooned"

Airdate: 21 November 1989

A smeghead and a slob. Trapped on an icy planet. Oh, boy.

Synopsis: Holly steers Red Dwarf into a black hole field, causing the crew to have to temporarily flee. Rimmer and Lister wind up taking Starbug, where Rimmer regales Lister about the former's interests in the military and his previous life as Alexander the Great's chief... eunuch. While the two are talking, Starbug is struck by a meteor, and crash lands on an ice planet. They have little hope of being found, low food, and no warmth. Rimmer can "live" because he is a hologram, but Lister can only hope for survival. The two wind up talking to each other and learning more about each other.

When it comes time to burn stuff for warmth, Lister is reluctant to let go of his Les Paul guitar, and Rimmer his military figurines. Lister, without Rimmer noticing, cuts a guitar-shaped hole out of Rimmer's treasure chest. Thinking that it is Lister's Les Paul, Rimmer decides to sacrifice his military figurines. Lister feels guilty that he made Rimmer burn something that meant so much to him, as the trunk provided the last link to Rimmer of his estranged father.

Kryten and the Cat find the two, and manages to bring them back. Holly then tells Rimmer that there was no black hole field; it was just five pieces of grit. Rimmer then realises that Lister cut a hole out of his chest.

Review: A good Red Dwarf episode, for the most part, contains tons of laughs and constant comedy, alongside character development. While "Marooned" also contains this, there is also something else in this episode.

This episode (until series VII) is the most dramedy-focused episode in the history of the show, and some parts can bring you to tears.

It's literally just Lister and Rimmer talking with each other for the most part. It's an example of a "locked in a freezer" episode (a common TV cliche) that manages to pull off the aforementioned cliche well. The development Lister and Rimmer get is incredible. From the most minute details to great back story reveal, it is quite rare to get the development in a comedy that Lister and Rimmer get.

In terms of tearjerker-ness, watching Rimmer burn something that meant so much to him, and then realising why it meant so much to him, is among the most depressing things ever put in a sitcom. In my opinion, it is depressing almost to the level of Fry's dog (prepares for flamers).

And Lister... god. He manages to be such an hilarious, and yet depressing, jerkass simultaneously. And yet he still feels bad for it. The look on Rimmer face when he finds out what Lister is done can only be described as pure anger. Put yourself in Rimmer's shoes for a second. When he learns that Lister cut out a piece of his treasure chest, it goes beyond typical anger. Lister callously (yet, unbeknownst to Rimmer, unknowingly) ignored Rimmer's feelings about his father just to save his own guitar which he can't play for smeg.

And yet this episode is still hilarious. Lister and Rimmer talking about their first encounters with other women? Funny. Lister and Rimmer burning literature (not out of hatred, but for necessity)? Hilarious (especially when they have to say tootle-pipski to Shakespeare). The reveal about the grit on the screen? Hysterical.

This episode is just brilliant. It is one of the best in Red Dwarf's history. It ranked second on the Ganymede and Titan Silver Survey earlier this year, and it deserves it.

Favourite Scene: Do I have to choose? It has to be learning what the solders meant for Rimmer. It is, quite possibly, the most moving moment in the history of the show.

A VERY Close second place? Rimmer quotes Richard III

"Now..... something something something something."

Score: 9.5

Gravity Falls Review, Season 1, Episode 9: The Time Traveller's Pig.

Airdate: August 24th, 2012.

AAAAHHHHH!!!! PETE'S BACK!!!

Synopsis (Spoilers): During a funfair, Dipper tries to win a stuffed animal-thing for Wendy. Dipper, however, can't throw, causing Wendy to have a black eye. A series of events manages to have Wendy go out with Robbie. Meanwhile, Mabel wins a pet pig. Also, a time traveller called Blendin Bladin leaves his time machine (tape measure) laying down. Dipper and Mabel use it to try and get the stuffed animal for Wendy. After many failures, Dipper manages to get the stuffed animal... at the expense of Waddles.

Mabel and Dipper get into a fight, and begin to mess around with time. They wind up in the present, where Mabel is in a severe funk over losing a pig. Dipper resets things back to the way they were before, Wendy goes out with Robbie, Mabel gets a pet pig, and Blendin goes to jail.

Review: Be warned. This is going to be long, and may cause all 2 of my readers to chuck tomatoes at me. Because...

God. I. Hate. This. Stupid. Episode.

Never expected somebody who likes science-fiction to say that he hates an episode that revolves around science-fiction and time travel, huh? Well, not in this case.

This episode is like the antithesis of "The City on the Edge of Forever" from Star Trek The Original Series. The thing is, in "City on the Edge", time travel was used to try and save the common good, yet there was also a selfish motive for Kirk, his love for well meaning peace activist Janice Keller. Yet, the other option is quite clearly positive, making it possible to see why he would give up the love of Keller. In this episode, Mabel is JUST as, if not more, selfish then Dipper. Is she really flipping out... over a smegging pig? WHY WOULD YOU FLIP OUT OVER A SMEGGING PIG?

The worst part? She does not learn! She does not learn about the meaning of sacrifice the way Dipper had to learn. This episode makes her out to be an annoying, immature brat!

Oh, and Dipper's not a whole lot better. Changing time and altering the past just to get a girlfriend? Holly from Red Dwarf put the idea of changing time best:

"What about causality, then? What about determinism? You just can't go messing about with history!" -"Timeslides"

Congratulations, Dipper. A computer with an IQ that's only the same as 12000 Car Park attendants knows more about causality then you. That's incredible.

Granted, this does help kick-start a series of episodes where Dipper's self serving behaviour manages to slowly overtake him and control his actions. Still, how come a boy that book-smart did not question the idea of causality once in this episode?

Strangely enough, Dipper's selfish behaviour in this episode is more justified. Not 100%, as he does come off as a bit of a smeghead, just more justified. To explain why, we have to compare to Star Trek again. Kirk's selfishness from "City on the Edge" worked because he went into time travel with a purpose: to try and save the future and rescue Doctor McCoy. However, he falls in love, and has to decide on what seems ot be his true love, or the needs of the many in the future. Unlike with Dipper (who had to choose between impressing Wendy and Mabel getting a pig), Kirk's stakes were much higher, and ultimately, when he sacrifices his selfish behaviour, he does a good for the world (even though it initially provides a lot of bad for self). Dipper's stakes were much, much lower. Therefore, his selfishness could be justified. Mabel could have learnt that you can't always get what you want. But she does not. She almost is the villain in the episode, and if that is so, then the villain wins, hands down. The solution would be to have Mabel get Waddles before Dipper tried to impress Wendy. It's a rather simplistic solution, but considering that the other option is for Mabel to have a pet smegging PIG while Dipper has to sacrifice a chance at love, it makes some sense.

The worst aspect of the entire series is the triangle that is forming between Mabel, Dipper, and Wendy. We see this more in "Summerween", although that episode executes it better. When Mabel and Dipper's friendship is pitted against Dipper's desire for Wendy, it makes the episode that much worse. Oh, and the twins manage to ruin Blendin's life. No comeuppance for that. Their actions screwed up a poor guy's life.

And I will be blunt as can be here... I detest Robbie. Partially it's because of the shipper deep in me, but Robbie is just a prick, put in to try and give Dipper some motivation to try and go out with Wendy. That is his raison d'etre. Oh, I also hate Waddles. The pig contributes nothing to the plot. He is just there to screw Dipper over. Nice character, Alex! (Prepares for Waddles fans attacking me).

This episode does not get a score lower than what it gets mainly because it contains some funny moments. The Oregon Trail reference was creative, and there are some call backs to prior episodes, as well as some funny foreshadowing. Also, the method of Science-fiction is pretty damn creative, and quirky. And I personally love Blendin as a character. He is just so sympathetic and still a bit funny.

Still, outside of the humour, the episode barely passes. Barely.

Favourite Scene: The Oregon Trail scene was pretty funny.

Score: 5

Note: If I got anything wrong in this review about causality, or if you disagree with me, please comment. I would just like to wonder if I got anything wrong, or if you have a different opinion as to who was in the wrong.

Edit as of 16/2/14: You might notice that I have changed the score of this episode. When I first reviewed it, I gave it a 4, which indicates a failure. Upon rewatching, I appreciate what the writers were going for in the Dipper-Mabel conflict, and now feel that I was too hard on the episode. I have decided to bump it up a point, and give it a pass. Therefore, the first failure in the history of  this blog is that Simpsons episode where Ted Nugent becomes buddies with Homer for three minutes.

Gravity Falls Review: "Irrational Treasure" (Season 1, Episode 8)

Airdate: August 17th, 2012

Full Synopsis (Spoilers): It's Pioneer Day in Gravity Falls. At an event to commemorate the day, Pacifica Northwest, the descendant of the town's founder, goes up and makes a rather egotistical speech. Pacifica catches Mabel, and criticises her on her wackier behaviour. This makes Mabel question her prior Genki Girl tendencies.

Dipper, meanwhile, manages to catch a line in his journal that says that the town founder, Nathaniel Northwest, may have been a fraud. Mabel takes up on solving this with Dipper, to try and prove that she can be serious. Ironically, due to Mabel's quirky tendencies (including folding a map into a paper hat, amongst other things), the two find a cave contains many top secret documents, as well as revealing the truth... Northwest was NOT the town founder. In fact, Northwest was a complete and utter dullard! The town founder was, in fact, some wacko named Quentin Trembley.

You think your leader is insane? Try Quentin Trembley

Deputy Durland and Sheriff Blubs, the two idiot cops, track them down and reveal that they are working with the American government. They also reveal that the Trembley took the job after being kicked out of the presidency for being street-rat deranged (he banned people from wearing pants, declared wars on pancakes, and appointed babies to the Supreme Court). Trembley encased himself in peanut brittle, thinking it had life-saving properties, and was "buried" in the cave. Durland and Blubs caught the Pines twins thanks to candies dropped by Mabel. The Pines twins are captured and sent via train to DC.

Whilst on the train, Mabel mopes about the fact that maybe she IS too goofy. She eats the peanut brittle in depression... freeing Trembley. The three escape, and Trembley calls out Blubs and Durland, declaring that he never resigned, and thus is still technically president. He makes Mabel a congressperson, and Dipper reveals the facts to Pacifica.

Review: God, I LOVE this episode!

This episode brings together history (something I love), conspiracy-style episodes, and even a bit of science fiction. The development that the characters get is some of the best in the show. Mabel realises that her goofiness is actually a good thing, Dipper gets his first act of revenge against a villain, Pacifica is revealed to be a fake, and Blubs and Durland are revealed to be more then just two incompetent cops that are VERY close friends (if not more... hey, there's plenty of subtext!) This show also introduces one of my favourite characters, Quentin Trembley. Imagine every crazy world leader, with their insanity cranked up to 11, and goofy. That's Quentin Trembley. He is quite possibly, the most badass character in the history of the show.

I must admit, as a fan of History, this episode did confuse and frustrate me a bit. For example, Trembley was elected in 1837, which was not a US presidential election year (Martin Van Buren was president during this year). Also, they say he was replaced with William Henry Harrison (who, in reality, took office and died in 1841). Also, since Trembley was feared dead, he was technically not president in 2012. The episode also contradicts itself at least once (how come Santa Claus is the president of the US one moment, and Trembley the next moment?)

Still, ignore the historical logic (or lack thereof), and you have a VERY enjoyable episode, which has very few faults (possibly Pacifica still being a Jerkass and Gideon having a useless role are the only flaws in the episode). And besides, the next episode's logic is SO screwed up.

Favourite Scene: ANYTHING WITH QUENTIN TREMBLEY!

Score: 9. 6.5 if you take in the historical logic. I will not, this once.

Gravity Falls Review, Season 1, Episode 7: "Double Dipper"

Airdate:  August 10th, 2012

Clones, clones everywhere, and nary a drop of common sense!

Synopsis (Spoilers): Grunkle Stan has decided to make money by setting up a disco at the Mystery Shack. Dipper wants to impress Wendy, and configures a long, meticulous list that he will follow to the minute to try and date Wendy, but also has to work the ticket stand. Dipper and Mabel find a copy machine (which they intended to use to copy the party fliers) that copies humans. Dipper uses it to his advantage, and creates a clone, Tyrone. After the first one is a success, he decides to create many many more clones to perform his tasks so that Dipper 1 can try and get Wendy. The thing is, since they know that the original Dipper wants to date Wendy, they will not interfere or get jealous. Not helping his task is that Robbie, from the convince store incident, is also at the disco.

The tasks are accomplished, but Dipper winds up deviating from the original list. He meets Wendy outside of the bathroom, and realises that the list is pointless. The other Dipper's kidnap him and lock him in a closet. The original manages to escape, and manages to defeat them (sans Tyrone) with their only kryptonite; water. However, Dipper and Tyrone are too late to get to talk to Wendy, and wind up drinking soda up on the roof. The soda kills Tyrone, with his last words being toward Dipper to quit being scared around Wendy.

Meanwhile, Mabel is excited beyond belief about the party. While partying, she meets Grenda, a larger girl with a masculine voice, and Candy, a shier girl. The DJ (Soos) announces a contest to crown the best partier. Pacifica Northwest, the local popular girl (think Regina from Mean Girls), immediately claims ownership of the crown, mocking the Trio along the way. Mabel challenges Pacifica for the crown, and it is a contest that lasts all night. Pacifica wins the crown and goes back to her house, but Mabel, Candy, and Grenda take losing in stride, while partying all night long.

Review: This episode leans more into the Science Fiction genre of episodes, and is wonderful in it's science fiction-ness.

The aversion of the "jealous doppelganger/clone" cliche worked wonders for this episode. Instead, their anger is toward a central part of Dipper's personality: his adherence to order... or dismissal thereof. Dipper's decision to dismiss his organised behaviour proves fatal to his ideals. Only Tyrone takes his side, and he gives some of the best advice to the audience. He tells Dipper, and therefore the audience, to reject specifics in trying to ask somebody else. Given the target audience is primarily tweens (although many more teens and adults watch the show), this is a wonderful message. Also, while not to the level or Mabel and Dipper, Wendy gets a bit of character development. Hopefully, in future episodes, the show will flesh her out further and make her NOT an object for Dipper's affections. The science fiction fits in with the regular status of the show; it's very mysterious, and provides more awkwardness to the Shack. And it gave us "Paper Jam Dipper", one of the darkest, and yet funniest, scenes in the show thus far.

Again, Mabel gets a weaker plot then Dipper, but this is slightly more forgivable. While her previous plot was just pointless filler, this plot gives her some character development. In one episode, Mabel gains two new, devoted friends, alongside an enemy. While I don't hate Pacifica Northwest as much as others, she still is rather one note. Mabel's plot gave some funny moments ("Don't Start Un-believing", for example). It's not a bad plot, but it is still rather weaker then I would have preferred.

Still, the Dipper-focused plot is brilliant enough to give this an 8 score.

Favourite Scene: ANYTHING involving Paper-Jam Dipper.

Score: 8

Red Dwarf Review, Series III, Episode 1, "Backwards"

Airdate: 14 November. 1989

Nodnol ni tca ydemoc tseb eht!

Synopsis (Spoilers): A super-speedy prologue explains what happened between series II and III.

• Lister gave birth to twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because they were conceived in a different universe, they are 18 years old within 3 days of their birth. Realising that they would only last a fortnight, Jim and Bexley went back to their universe of origin to live a normal life... at least, as normal as possible.
• Kryten was found crashed on a planet. Lister was able to repair him, but his rebellious personality was reset. Also, he now sports a Canadian accent. Nevertheless, he is now a permanent member of the crew.
• Holly had fallen so far in love with Hilly from the Parallel Universe that he gave himself a head sex change operation, becoming a long-haired, youthful blonde female, yet still a bit peculiar.
• And now the saga continuums.
• AND NOW THE SAGA CONTINUUMS!
• Red Dwarf III. The Same Generation. Nearly.

Rimmer takes Kryten on a flight test in Starbug. During the flight test, Rimmer and Kryten happen to come across an elusive time hole. They wind up landing on Earth, circa 1993... but running backwards. Cars drive backwards, food is uneaten, robbers suck bullets out of cops and force banks to accept money, tables are dirtied, ect. Holly explains that this is due to the "big crunch", with the universe shrinking. With Starbug wrecked, the two must find a job in Nodnol until the others find them. They take up a job as "Srehtorb Esrever Lanoitasnes Eht", or, in frontwards, "The Sensational Reverse Brothers."

Lister and the Cat, meanwhile, take another Starbug and manage to pass through the time hole. Lister arrives on earth with a sore back, cracked ribs, and a black eye. After seeing a sign for "Srehtorb Esrever Lanoitasnes Eht" and a sign for "Nodnol, 871 Selim", the two come to the only logical conclusion... they must be in Bulgaria! After getting confused as to why bikes are in reverse, they get a ride to downtown Nodnol and wind up at a bar where Rimmer and Kryten are performing. They eventually realise that they ARE in a backwards world, and try to get Rimmer and Kryten to come back. However, Rimmer and Kryten argue that life is much better in this universe, as death does not come and crime (to them) does not exist. Lister argues that, in this universe, Santa Claus is a robber and puberty occurs backwards.

Their conversation is interrupted when the two are told that they are fired for a fight, which did not happen. As Kryten and Rimmer try and defend themselves, Lister and the Cat manage to get themselves in a fight... the one that Kryten and Rimmer got sacked for. Lister declares a "barroom tidy", and Lister's body is returned to normal as the bar is cleaned up. Kryten and Rimmer decide to abandon their act and return back to the Dwarf.

Review: This is the first episode to use the new style for Red Dwarf. I will keep this brief. This episode makes no sense. At all. Why would Kryten and Rimmer get fired and then do a last show? The timeline in this episode makes no sense!

However, that does not stop it from being funny. Red Dwarf IS a comedy, after all. There is tons of comedy gold in this episode, such as the bike scene, the diner scene, the "Red Dwarf Shuffle", and the barroom tidy. UN-RUMBLE! The characters are well done, and Kryten gets some slight character development, in his meekness being similar to the one in "Kryten". However, Kryten is now treated as an equal to his new companions. His development does not kick in until "Polymorph", but it is a step in the right direction.

This episode is the birth of the more energetic Red Dwarf, and it is pretty damn good!

Oh, and the first conversation of the new and improved Red Dwarf? Lister and the Cat debate the attractiveness of Wilma Flinstone.

Favourite Scene: The Bar-room tidy!

Score: 8.5

Red Dwarf Review: Series III Preview

Small warning: this might be a bit long.

Part I: A Change Will Do You Good
TV shows often go through creative changes from season to season. From the differing ideals between Simpsons show runners (compare the Oakley/Weinstein Era to the Scully Era), to the difference between Enterprise Seasons 2 and 3, shows often get retooled slightly to fix problems and attract viewers.

What happened between Red Dwarf II and III was less of a retool and more of a total smegging rebuild. Grant Naylor basically took the characters, the title, the setting, and the basic plot, and that is it. In all essence, Series III is a FAR different animal compared to series II, and would be the series all future ones are based off of (except for the Back to Earth mini-series).

Physical Changes

For the least radical change, we have to analyse the costumes and sets. The colour of the sets of the first two series were primarily grey, and the end result was dull. From this series on, the colour of the sets gets varied. Mel Bibby (Alien) was the driving force behind the set upgrades. Thanks to Howard Burden, the costumes were also changed:

Rimmer's costume gained more colour and class;

Well, as classy as a smeghead of his calibre can be.

Lister now sports a laddish leather jacket;

This jacket was supposed to contain Wilma Flinstone stitched on the back, but it would have been a legal nightmare. "Backwards" would feature Lister and the Cat discussing if Wilma is attractive.

the Cat gets a much more wild fashion sense;

This is just ONE of the Cat's Costumes. He wore 15 over the course of the series.

And Kryten (explained below on why he is listed here)  went from a butler's costume to a more android-esque look.

Getting a bit more wild, the setting of the episodes got even more varied. "Backwards" takes place almost exclusively on an Earth (albeit one in reverse), "Bodyswap" and "Polymorph" contained scenes that took place in the science wing, "Polymorph" contains an exploration of the cargo bay, ect.

In terms of physical changes, however, the cast was arguably the biggest change of them all. Kryten had proven to be such a popular character that he was brought back as a regular character. However, Dave Ross was not available, so they instead brought in Robert Llewellyn. Llewellyn made the character his own, improvising a Canadian accent to differentiate his portrayal from Ross's Kryten.

Likewise, Norman Lovett (Holly) had purchased a new home in Edinburgh. Travelling between his home in Edinburgh, London (BBC Offices), and Manchester (primary filming location), proved to be a bit too much for him, and he walked out. The character was recast by Hattie Hayridge, who played Hilly in "Parallel Universe."

Hattie Hayridge as Holly

Writing

The writing of this show also got knocked up a notch. 

The first two series were very leisurely in terms of pace, with a more sitcom-esque feel. Series III picked up the pace quite a bit. The writing was MUCH tighter, with very little filler material in between. Also, the show's style shifted from a sitcom IN SPACE, to a science-fiction show that also happened to be a comedy.

The series also introduced alien-esque life forms called "Genetically Engineered Life Forms", or GELFs. Unlike aliens (which Grant Naylor considered cliche), these creatures were man made. Oh, humanity, you!

The main trio seemed to change slightly from Series II. Lister is virtually the same, although "Marooned" indicates that he might not be the nice guy we all thought he was. Likewise, Rimmer became slightly less of a Jerkass with this series, and even gains moments of altruism. However, when Rimmer acts like a jerk, he is a HUGE one. "Bodyswap", in my opinion, contains among the lowest Rimmer moments (I might assemble a list in the future consisting of the lowest Rimmer moments available). The Cat becomes more of a comic relief as time goes on, but in this series, he gets some slight character development in terms of piloting stuff.

Kryten's character is virtually reset from the end of his series II appearance. He is back to his old "meek robot" persona. However, he is treated much more like an equal by Rimmer, and slowly gets to develop into a mother type character by the end of the series. Kryten also began taking over as the provider of exposition.

On the opposite end, Holly seemed to have a reduced role. With Kryten taking over as the exposition provider, Holly's character was reduced to more of a comic relief... which was already provided by the Cat. This was not a good situation for the character that, just two episodes prior, was kicking bottom.

Part II: Episode Previews:

Backwards: During Kryten's test flight in Starbug, Kryten and Rimmer fly through a time hole, and wind up in an Earth where everything goes backwards. They wind up forming an act, The Sensational Reverse Brothers!

Marooned: Rimmer and Lister are forced to abandon Red Dwarf, and a series of events leads to the two stranded on an ice planet, relying on each other for survival.

Polymorph: A shape-shifting GELF winds up on Red Dwarf, sucking out certain negative emotions from the crew members.

Bodyswap: Lister wants to get in shape, so he swaps minds with Rimmer, who promises to get him in shape. However, Rimmer does not follow up on his end of the deal, and it leads to holding a body hostage.

Timeslides: Picture development fluid (remember that) manages to bring pictures to life, and create a time machine. Lister uses it to try and change it so that he does not wind up on Red Dwarf, and leads a successful life... much to the chagrin of Rimmer.

The Last Day: Kryten gets a message that states he has 24 hours to deactivation. Lister wants Kryten to party on his last night. This goes against Kryten's beliefs... as he believes in Silicon Heaven.

Gravity Falls Review, Season 1, Episode 6: Dipper vs. Manliness.

Airdate: July 20th, 2012

Synopsis: Dipper, Mabel, and Grunkle Stan are at a diner. With Stan refusing to fork up money for breakfast, Dipper tries to beat a manliness tester, but fails. This, alongside Mabel and Stan considering him un-masculine, alongside Stan catching Dipper singing "Disco Girl" (from Icelandic pop group BABBA) a few nights ago, embarrasses Dipper. He runs out to the forest, where dipper meets a beast called a Manotaur. ("Half man, half... uh, taur!) Dipper follows this Manotaur back to his cave, where he meets a bunch of other Manotaurs. Manotaurs, as expected, do manly things. The manotaurs decide to train Dipper to be manly.

One of the last tasks Dipper must do is defeat and kill a Multi-bear, a bear with multiple heads. Dipper defeats the bear in a duel, but decides not to kill him when he realises the Multi-bear's last request.... dying to "Disco Girl", his favourite song. Dipper realises that masculinity does not mean being stereotypically masculine, and realises that the Manotaurs are a bunch of jerks who want to kill a bear based on his taste in music. With the Manotaurs refusing to listen to him, Dipper leaves the Manotaurs.

Meanwhile, Stan wants to date a local waitress, Lazy Susan. Mabel tries to help Stan get in shape and look good, but it ultimately proves futile. Mabel realises that Stan is imperfect, and that he as himself would make a good partner. Stan asks Susan if he wants to give him her number, which she accepts.

Dipper arrives back at the Diner, and Stan commends Dipper for his bravery against the Manotaur's callous behaviour.

Review: Compared to what we got earlier from this show, it's a pretty weak episode we have here.

The message in this episode, for one, is pretty cliche. The idea of "Be Yourself" is a damn good message, but it's a common sitcom message. Other shows have done it. Granted, Gravity Falls took liberties in the setting, and with quite a bit of bullying over males taking feminine interests, this episode gets extra points for taking on something that's pretty damn important nowadays. In fact, this episode comes off as a gender-flipped example of the sitcom plot "tomboy tries to act more feminine, but realises that conforming to expected society norms is not right", except with more fantasy.

Also on the negative side, Mabel. Got. Gypped. Out. Of. A. Good. Plot. The plot she got is incredibly cliche and just plain dull. Mabel works best when she is part of the insanity of the town, NOT trying to fix Stan. Therefore, this episode loses a good chunk of it's points mainly on how weak this plot is.

Still, this episode has a damn good amount of humour to keep your interest. However, given the high standards this show demands, this episode was disappointing.

Favourite Scene: Dipper singing to "Disco Girl". Funny, funny, funny! Must be funny! In a good show's world!

Score: 6. Remember, 5 is a passing grade in this review column.

Bonus: ABBA TIME!

Red Dwarf Review: Series II Wrap Up

My reviews of individual episodes of Series II of Red Dwarf are done, so it is time to take a look back on the series as a whole.

Series I laid the foundation of the show. Series II laid the framework of the show.

Series II was quite an improvement over Series I. Series I tended to be more formulaic, revolving over the fact that Lister and Rimmer hated each other and were basically stuck together for eternity.

Series II, however, seemed to take a lot more risks with the setting. Starting with "Kryten", the trio left the ship. The only episode that does not feature the crew leaving the ship 100% is "Queeg". "Better Than Life" has the crew going into virtual reality, which is close enough to leaving the ship.

Science-fiction cliches was used, but all for the sake of parody. From virtual reality collapses, to androids, to parallel universes, almost everything in this series is played for total comedy.

The two greatest episodes of the season are those that delve into the main character's back story. "Better Than Life" is one of my favourite episodes of the show because it is the first episode that managed to show just how screwed up Rimmer's life was. "Thanks for the Memory" also makes you feel bad for the lonely, lonely Rimmer, alongside delving into Lister's history. "Queeg" gives Holly more character development then he will ever get for the rest of the show's history. "Stasis Leak" gives a focus onto Lister's life before he was frozen in stasis. When all is said and done, the odd man out is the Cat, who is reduced to Plucky Comic Relief and utter fashion victim.

Probably the worst episode of the series is "Parallel Universe", if you cut out the music video in the beginning. However, it still gets a 6, a passing score. With the video at the beginning of "Parallel Universe", then the worst episode is "Stasis Leak" with a 7.5. The best episode is "Better Than Life".

Overall, a brilliant second series.

Score: 8.33

Red Dwarf Review: Series II, Episode 6: "Parallel Universe"

Airdate: 11 October, 1988

Synopsis: The Boys from the Dwarf have nothing better to do to start the episode (like most others). The Cat is using the dream recorder to try and find a dream which involved him, three girls, and a family sized tub of banana yoghurt. Rimmer calls the Cat out on his chauvinism. This prompts Lister to call Rimmer out on HIS sexist behaviour. Rimmer tries to justify his use of hypnotism on females, despite being told that this is akin to trying to conquer aliens by Lister. Also, Rimmer can not use pick up lines.

Their nothingness is broken by an announcement by Holly: he has invented the Holly Hop Drive, which can transfer any object to any other point in space. Thanks to a few mishaps, they do not go to their intended destination, which was Earth. Instead, they wind up in a parallel universe, where, as they board that universe's Red Dwarf, there is one big difference. Not only are the genders of Rimmer, Lister, and Holly swapped (played by Suzanne Bertish, Angela Bruce, and Hattie Hayridge respectively), but so are the gender roles. Women landed on the moon, Wilma Shakespeare wrote the great plays of her era, and Men burned their jockstraps. Outside of the Cat's counterpart being a slobbish, kind male dog (Matthew Devitt), the rest of the characters are the same as their counterparts. Deb Lister is a lager drinking, slobbish tomboy; Arlene Rimmer is uptight, with rather strange sexual morals; and Hilly is just about as loopy as Holly.

With the Holly Hop Drive needing 12 hours of repair (not helped by Holly and Hilly falling in love), the two go to the ship's disco, where the characters have unique relationships with each other. Deb and Dave get along rather well, although Dave is put off by Deb's attempts to impress him, which involve drinking a six-pack and belching the whole of "Yankee Doodle Dandy". Arlene tries to come on to Arnold, with the same tactics that Arnold uses to get women. The Cat is not a fan of the Dog's dance skills. The party goes on all night long for Deb and Dave, while Arnold belts toward the male's ship.

The next morning, the two Lister's wake up with hangovers... right next to each other. They eventually piece together that they had relations the previous night. As the two Rimmers come aboard to gloat, Arlene tells Dave that he hopes HE gets pregnant. Suddenly, the truth comes out.... in this universe, MEN get pregnant. As Dave grills Deb on her lack of concern, Deb goes on the defence, declaring that Dave should have used protection. Dave then learns that Holly fixed the hop drive, and that they have to go back to his universe. As he is reminded of a scene from their incident with the Future Echoes where Lister was seen with twins, his pregnancy test comes back... with hilarious results.

Review: Well, this episode was a weird way to end the series.

We get to see how far into the Jerkass zone the characters can go in this episode. Arnold Rimmer is probably as unlikeable as he gets in the show thus far, with his complete and utter disregard toward women. The alternate Rimmer manages to be even MORE unlikeable then Rimmer is (especially when she declares that she hopes Dave gets pregnant), which shows how far the characters can go. Deb also comes off as quite unlikeable when she tries to defend herself after being grilled by Dave. Since the two characters are supposed to be opposite sex clones of the male Dwarfers, it makes the episode quite disturbing. Then again, the episode did try and provide a commentary on the troubling sexual politics of our world, so that's can be excused a bit.

Also, the actors that play the female counterparts are wonderful at what they did. They manage to capture each of their characters PERFECTLY. Even Hattie Hayridge does wonderfully in her role as Hilly.

The humour does age a tad bit, but it's still decent. A scene that I like in particular is the Cat teaching the Dog how to dance, and the Dog's reaction.

Normally, I would give this episode a 6, but there is one scene in particular that props up the entire thing to an 8 score.

The song appears at the very beginning of the episode. Much like the Conway Twitty gags in Family Guy (especially from the FG episode "The Juice is Loose"), it's pointless and a time consumer. However, unlike Conway Twitty, effort was put in here, and it has a thin bearing on the plot. Also, it's suddenness is just hysterical! Charles Augins (Queeg from "Queeg") actually directed the video. How popular was the song? An R&B remix, sung by Danny John-Jules, was released in 1993, and it reached #17 in the UK.

Favourite Scene: Three guesses, no prizes.

Score: 8.

Red Dwarf Review, Series II, Episode 5: Queeg.

Airdate: 4 October 1988

The greatest battle in the history of humanity... or at least a decent battle within a science-fiction sitcom.

Unlike normal, this synopsis will NOT contain spoilers.

Synopsis: Holly has been making one too many mistakes on board Red Dwarf. Upon missing a meteor, to messing up Rimmer's hologram, to confusing wires, the crew are at their breaking point. Enter Queeg 500 (professional dancer Charles Augins), Red Dwarf's backup computer, who declares Holly too incompetent to operate, demoting him to night watchman.

"From now on... Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500!"

Queeg then works the rest of the crew to the bone, giving them very limited food and making them work like dogs. The crew quickly get sick of Queeg, and demand Holly back. Holly initially refuses, as he heard the crew insult him. However, he eventually declares a duel with Queeg: a game. Winner gets control of Red Dwarf, loser gets erased. The ending...

... I will not give away. However, it is brilliant.

Review: This is Holly's finest hour. The humour that involves him is BRILLIANT! This gives him fantastic character development revealing just how senile he has gotten. And yet, he does something that I just can't reveal. Queeg is a FANTASTIC character, who helps bring in the lesson "you don't know what you've got until he is demoted to night watchman". And Craig Charles manages to do one of his finest stunts ever!

On a slight negative, the humour with the other characters seems to be slightly weaker, although not totally terrible. Also, the depressing fact remains that this episode is Holly's biggest role in the show, and the only episode where he has a centre role. From this point on, the show shifts away from him, especially as a certain character is reintroduced in Series III. By the end of Series V, the character is basically there for the occasional joke, being written out by series VI (although the character does come back for series VIII).

Still, FANTASTIC episode.

Favourite Moment: Queeg explains Holly's IQ.

Queeg: "It's got a 6 in it, but it's not 6000." 

Cat: "What is it?"

Queeg: "Six."

Holly: "Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!"

Final Score: It's got a 5 in it, but it isn't 5. What is it? 8.5.